Yes, they said when it comes to relationship, it takes 2 hands to clap.
I feel like using my hand to slap somebody, to vent it all out but you know, there's a saying... People hurt you but you can't use it as a reason to hurt them back. I could easily tarnish your reputation by naming out what you did to me and stuffs when you know you shouldn't have because you had another commitment back then. The reason why I don't screw you all over, it's because I have to reason it out in my head, I treasured your friendship and that, you hate people who played with your reputation.

Funny as it is,
by typing all that, your reputation is somewhat smeared actually. LOL, but I need to let out my sadness & frustration otherwise, I cannot concentrate on my revision. Sigh, but I know it will haunt me back soon. Oh well, I guess it allows me to feel better for awhile, better than nothing, right?

Through this experience,
I realised there are many other great friends around me. You know, when you f*cked with my life, I get all emotional for these few days and all my friends came asking me if I'm alright, they are willing to hear me out (despite telling them the same thing repeatedly). Guess what? Even friends who aren't close to me at all, they would drop their care and concern for me, I'm really glad and appreciative about that. I gained many true friends, friends who supported me, listening to me, cheer me up, giving motivation to move on and you were ONE of my motivations...

If you ever do read this...
I want to let you know that, I thank you for the past few months of awesome memories you gave me but also, the disappointment and sadness you brought to me. You know, you ought to take a look at your surrounding. Have you ever realized that, you lost many friends this year? During June, you argued with a friend and you said 200$ is worth it to find out how strong is the friendship. Few weeks back, you argued with another close friend because of commitment in CCA. You lost a friend, a friend who used to be so close with you - Your ex-girlfriend, and the group of her friends and yea, I'm not amazed that our friendship has soured too.

Did you ever realize it?
Maybe it's not us, maybe it's you. How could one lose so many friends in just a few months & moreover, it's all close friends. Is that something wrong about us, or something's wrong about you? I don't know, I can't comment much but I know, it's my fault too. I don't deny it, I put the whole blame on myself initially but now, maybe it's time for you to share the blame too. My friends told me,"NJ, it's not your fault. Even if it is, it would be both are in wrong."

I broke down crying when...
the moment they said it wasn't my fault and I don't know why. Maybe it's because, I don't deserve people telling me that I've no wrongs, it makes me even more guilty or is it like what my friend said,"You cried when people say it's not your fault because you know it isn't but you just don't wanna blame it on him and took it all up on your shoulders." I have no idea, but I'm emotionally-vulnerable when it comes to this.

I'm still upset.
I really do. My sadness has successfully incapacitated me, it's more than the frustration I'm experiencing now. Jianwei left for China, this shit happened, Whykei just flew to UK, tests are around the corner (on Wednesday and Thursday). I'm only a human, I really have a limit in stuffs I can handle. You know what's affecting me most? It's this friendship, even though it's not even a year but it feels like we've known each other for long because of the happy moments we had.

Broken trust?
Maybe a little. A reason I can't really fully trust you simply because I know what you did - when you had another COMMITMENT. Figure out what this commitment is about and you will get a clearer picture of what I'm talking now. I can't help it, what if whatever you did to that somebody, you're gonna do it on me too? My biggest worry for the past few months. Let's say... If the current one knows about it, I guess she would probably end up like me in the end. You know, I can't help it to get emotional because I was once fallen toooo deep for you. Way too deep.

Is it so difficult?
Just to say the truth? It might hurt a lot for a few days but why do you have to keep it to yourself? Unspoken truth hurts so much more, lying is always for your own good. It has never been "lying is for good". Sigh, I'm just a little disappointed in this when you claimed that I WAS SPECIAL - because I know what's going on in your life; even just as a girl best friend. Are you kidding me? Seriously?

Special & Important.
They mean nothing unless proven to you. Talk is cheap, actions speak louder than words. Quarreling with friend because he thinks that CCA is more important but when you said you are busy with CCA, you couldn't reply me, didn't you know that you are actually in his shoes? CCA > Friendship. Right? Sometimes, busy is just an excuse. If you are genuine into making something happen, you would put in effort no matter what. I admit that I use "busy" as an excuse when I wanna turn down people/invitations.

I put in effort.
I take note of your schedule, I learnt about your living lifestyle... I know when are your lessons and what modules you're taking, I remember each and everything you told me. This is part of the reason why, it's hard to say goodbye to this friendship. Whatever I do, it reminds me of you. It just feels shitty, something I have to let go and move on when it was once part of my life. I just can't put down those memories so easily.

Oh well,
it's a lesson learnt. I need draw a line in between and take a good look in all situations before I engage myself in a brand new friendship/relationship. Maybe I should be anti-social, so I don't hurt anybody or getting close with them enough to hurt me. I shall build higher and strong walls, friends who are true to me, will climb over it and stay with me.

Period.